Contentment (living from the heart)

Note: Christie emailed me this the other day.

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David - Weeks before Timm wrote the following he was struggling with life. He agonized over being confined to a desk job, feeling trapped if he couldn't interact with others, often comparing it to being a caged animal. Age was another issue for him, he was disappointed in the fading years of his youth , the changes in his body and all the grey hair that came with it. It was a challenging time for Timm, but at some point in his reflection he had a beautiful moment of clarity that brought about the words below. For the most part the words below are from his journal, the letter to me is similar, however the affectionate parts I've kept private.

I hope this brings solace to you, David, knowing that at some point in Timm's life he found peace. I can still see him sitting at the edge of the couch watching me read his letter, wiping his palms on his jeans, his eyes swelled up with tears and a grin of love on his lips. His heart found what it was looking for - Contentment within himself, not in others...

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Sept. 2, 2007

There's been a feeling I've struggle with over the past few weeks, not a bad feeling, just one I couldn't quite put a name to. It hasn't been constant - coming and going, but mostly coming. There is a sense of peace, serenity and a touch of joy - all aspects, but not what I'm truly feeling. I'm comfortable in my own skin and found myself thanking God for my life just as it is.

I spent a couple hours walking this afternoon - enjoying the warmth of the late summer day, and found myself drifting back to this feeling that settled in my soul. Finally I found it's name: Contentment.

I stopped in the middle of the trail stunned by the realization, repeating the word several times. It's been years since I've felt this - perhaps momentary glimpses have crossed my path but they've never taken root. I've prayed for a long time that I might finally know contentment - brought acutely home while applying for the Peace Corp a few years ago.

Deep down I knew that while I'd finally get to "go" somewhere, I'd always be on the outside looking in - never would I be able to settle in since I'd never be content. Contentment is like joy - an internally driving entity, completely devoid of external surroundings. Both come not from gelling but by being.

I knew when I began praying for contentment 2 years ago that it would be a painful process and for once I was right. I wanted everyone of my dreams - these things I believed would bring earnestness - died. I kept saying it felt like I was being dragged through a mouse hole ass backwards. All that I thought would bring meaning, purpose and fulfillment was stripped away. For months I numbly stumbled my way through a fog, repeatedly stating that I didn't know which direction to turn for career or friends, solace of love. I was utterly lost.

Looking at the trappings of my life today I would say not much has changed, but I've changed. Something inside has taken root, like a forest fire that devastates the woods one summer, but come spring tender green shoots rise from the ground. It's nothing short of a miracle.

I couldn't help but think about what is in my life today that fosters this contentment. My friends, you and Ken especially, AA meetings, focusing my vision on a spiritual life, steady work, pursuing photography, getting sleep, eating healthier and most importantly, maintaining contact with God. I also need to add, staying connected to and living from my heart.