All of Timm's hard efforts to be a man of God and a lover in Christ's image came to fruition, I believe, in his last relationship (with Christie). He was becoming, in the end, a man who could love a woman and enjoy a healthy relationship with her.
Timm's relations with women over the years were thorny, a confused bag of desire, anger and fear—all those things which makes intimacy so thorny a rose. He suffered many relations comprising of false starts and early terminations. This from his journal dated January 18, 1992:
I can't seem to sleep again tonight. I seem to be caught in the grips of an obsession! Not to be confused with just mere infatuation or genuine "like." The problem or better yet, object of my obsession is the Laurie I've been writing about over the past couple of weeks. But I'm not sure I could say that she's the problem. My little kid is cowering and shirking in fear, hypersensit4ive to her distance. I've been doing a lot of self-talk, reassuring my kid that I won't leave him & that he'll survive her not being around. It seems to have helped some. I seem to swing between a hyperactive fear/anxiety, frustration over finding myself in this situation and depression. I must admit that it hasn't helped my disposition lately. I get angry and stay angry and then desperate depression sets in.
Timm's marriage in 1996 was disastrous almost from the start. Choosing a partner who was as wounded as himself, Timm was ill-prepared for the ensuing swamps of emotion. Loyal to his commitment ("divorce is NOT an option," he swore to us who had gathered for his wedding), Timm took a beating which was as much self-administered as received. Guilt and remorse only complicated the desire to reach out.
Emerging from the eventual divorce, Timm was even more skittish about relationships. Yet he kept trying. I think it is a mark of his long, slow recovery that he was with Christie, a shockingly normal woman (in Timm's eyes) who he eventually planned to marry.
According to Christie, Timm was the most attentive of boyfriends, always planning their weekends together ("All I had to do was show up!," she says), taking them hiking or canoeing or snow-shoeing or walking on the beach. In opening up his heart, he revealed to her the great wilderness he loved.
Timm was prone to tucking away love notes in various nooks of her apartment where she would come across them later. (See the post "Hidden note," where Christie finds one after Timm died)
As he had learned to express a love of nature so openly through his photography, I think he was learning to express his heart openly with a woman - so much so that his manner seemed almost feminine. "It was like Timm was the woman in the relationship," Christie says. "He was always taking care of me."
I think Timm would have married Christie eventually. She thinks so too. When we were at the viewing, her mother sat crying in a chair while Christie stood by Timm, stroking his hair. "This is not the ceremony we had been expecting with Timm," she said.
I believe that the heart troubles which eventually killed Timm were a manifestation, at least in part, of his emotional struggles. He remained beset by self-doubts, restlessness, and fears. Yet Timm was making great strides to stay in that relationship, to plant himself and begin the rest of his life, but he carried along a lot of residual stuff. He and Christie separated for three years; they had been back together only eight months or so when he passed away.
In February 2007 they were apparently beginning the work of getting back together. I found on Timm's laptop a file containing three letters to Christie which she confirms he sent to her. In them we see Timm reckoning with his mistakes, honestly presenting his struggles and showing how he was beginning to find a sure enough foundation where they could continue forth together. I don't think there is anything too personal in these letters that prevents them from being posted here; rather they show a man standing clear in the light of honest confession, showing himself ready at last to begin.
Rilke, a poet I greatly admire, was very attracted to women yet found actual relationships quite difficult. Whether it was a result of his artistic gifts or simply immaturity, proximity to an other was almost suffocating to him. In his “Letters to a Young Poet,” Rilke spends one of his letters talking about the great work of love for which humankind had only begun to understand. To him, the greatest achievement in love was when “two solitudes protect and border and greet each other.” I don’t know whether Timm encountered Rilke in his reading, but surely he would have understood the sentiment. And smiled.
2/13/07
My dear Christie,
I am torn within with desire to talk to you, yet I heard you loud and clear the other day when you said you aren't ready to welcome me back into you life yet. I in no way blame you, the fact that you have even answered my calls in nothing short of a miracle.
I'm going to write in this journal what I wish I could say to you, not knowing if I'll ever get a chance to talk to you.
First, I do believe I made the biggest mistake of my life three years ago when I walked away from you. I blamed you for the internal distress that I felt even though it had nothing to do with you. I just externalized my own shortcomings, ascribing blame so I could once again avoid looking at what my part was. For three years I've wandered, ground down by an invisible hand that I actually invited, learning how to be in the present. I find that I am not only an alcoholic, but a compulsive dreamer as well. It's been my escape, a way with dealing with the mundane, painful and monotonous details of my life. My vision has always been far into the future, dreaming of distant lands, adventures, loves and all sorts of other fantasies that I thought were actually possible. While it is true that they are "real", there is no way I could have ever held on to them since I lacked the ability to be in the "hear and now", I would have found some imagined fault, magnified it to an asinine level and used it to move on in the same way I did with you.
The problem has never been out there, no, it has always been in me. I never could have held on to you - I didn't know how. But God is faithful. He is answering my prayer of knowing how to be in the "today" - that invisible hand that keeps me pinned to Salem, Oregon.
-- Timm
* * *
2/14/07
Valentines Day
I wonder what you are doing tonight, but then again I don't think I want to know. I was rummaging through my room today, looking for something when I found a card from you, exactly three years to the day. It's funny how I really couldn't hear the words you wrote back then, but so long to hear them fall from your lips today! You knew how to be faithful, to walk the road and not wander, while I couldn't accept the path.
I find an air of caution within my heart, growing for the past few days regarding us. It's not that I am convinced you will accept me back, in fact far from that. It's just if we do have a chance again I need to be careful not to expect that everything will just fall right in place. One step at a time is what I've got to remember. Just to be able to talk was the first step, next is going to be whether you will let me back in.
I was home sick today; fighting a cold that everyone I know has already shared. I guess it is my turn. It was one of those time that I actually liked being home sick, since it allowed me to have some badly needed down time. I'm working part time with Hooley, part-time for myself and trying to find another full-time job. I wonder often how our schedules might mesh if I get another chance. The swing shift you do is kind of nice for me in one sense since you know how I like having a little time to myself. I would miss you though.
I need to stop this, it's driving me a little crazy. I need to say goodnight, know that I love you dearly and long for the day when I can tell you that while gazing into you eyes.
-- Timm
* * *
2/15/2007Good Morning,
I took the day off today, feeling a little under the weather, but really just needing a day off. One of the things that I want to talk to you about was the two issues I really struggled with in our relationship - boredom and recovery.
The boredom I touched on when I called you in January after recognizing how I had reacted as a result of it. I need to explain a little about boredom and me so you don't get the wrong impression. With the ADHD, boredom is a huge problem. I have struggled with this throughout my adult life, sinking into a panic when bored, griped by an impending doom if I didn't do something quickly. My M.O. has always been to find something to blame in order to justify the actions I took to rectify the situation. I'd quit a job, change churches, end relationships - almost always creating wreckage in the process.
With work, I can't tell you how many jobs I've left because of this - many were good, professional positions that people strive for years to attain, and I simply would walk away. Case in point was the Juvenile Probation Officer job I had with Marion County. After six months I was going crazy, blaming some aspect of the position and giving my notice as the solution. Hooley was almost the same way, but this time I decided to take a deeper look since I was seeing a pattern in my work life that I didn't like.
As I continue to dig deeper, I look at my relationship history and you are the one who sticks out more than any other. If there was anything that marked my past relationships it was drama. This would make sense given my need for cognitive stimulation, but you aren't given to drama. I think it is safe to say that you are perhaps the healthiest woman I have ever dated. With the lack of crisis in our relationship we were able to grow as a couple in ways I've never experienced. I, in turn, tried to create enough drama in my career life to satisfy the need for excitement that I wasn't getting from you.
Looking back, when I started feeling the early warning sign for boredom in our relationship, what I needed to do was talk to you about what was going on instead of reacting. There were things that I would have liked to change in our relationship, namely adding some intellectual stimulation. I found we spent a lot of evenings just watching the TV. Something that was driving me crazy. I know now that if I would have brought it up I'm sure you would have been willing to look at some alternatives. Looking back I would have liked to get involved in something in the community, maybe a dance class, a book club, taken a cooking or crafty kind of class - there are all sorts of opportunities, I just needed to talk about it, but I didn't. Like I have already said, our relationship grew deeper than any I've ever known, entering into an unknown land that I was clueless about how to deal with. The key for me is to talk, not in a blaming manner but with the approach of "this is what I am feeling and struggling with, is there anything we can do?" I needed to bring you into that place where I was, not leave you out. If we ever get a chance again, I will do this.
The second piece was the recovery aspect that I was so adamant about. While I am involved in the recovery community more today than I ever was, I've had to rethink this area in regard to you. What I decided early on in our relationship was that you were an alcoholic and your way of dealing with it was by what we call in AA as "white-knuckling". I've had to revisit this judgment that I made and admit that I might have been wrong, in fact, how you deal with these things is your business - not mine.
This is embarrassing for me to admit, but the reason this was such an issue for me was because I felt it reflected badly on me. Eeek, I don't believe I'm telling you this because of how embarrassed I get realizing of what ugliness I am capable of! I thought that it would hurt my creditability in the recovery work I did and wanted to do if my girlfriend/wife was an alcoholic who dealt with her disease in a completely contradictory way than what I was preaching. This was something that I just couldn't have since I was the expert and needed to make sure that the people in my life reflected this.
Christie, I am so sorry that put this on you! I acted so badly as a result of my exaggerated sense of importance and over inflated ego. Like the boredom, I know that I just needed to talk with you, not to get you to do what I wanted, but to expose the shameful way I was thinking.
These two areas - boredom and recovery - were the deal breakers for me in our relationship. Now I know them for what they really are - fears and ego. I am so sorry for how badly I've behaved and promise that if we have another chance I will diligently work to not only make sure these things don't come back, but continue to deal with whatever crazy thinking decides to invade our relationship.
I hope you have a good day today - you are always in my thoughts and prayers.
-- Timm
A flyer Timm developed to promote his wedding photography. 
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