Timm, as I have said, was a wounded healer - one who, with God's grace, had slowly transformed his brokenness into ministry. Recovery for Timm was deeply tied to his faith. Overcomers was a church-based 12-step AA program he had been long involved with.
Clearly Timm had gifts as a leader of his fellow men. I use the word "man" here, because Timm's relations with women were much more perplexing and difficult for him. Timm may not have trusted men that well, but he needed them for his own spiritual development.
And it was his Heavenly Father that Timm felt he needed the most. For Timm, it was never enough to profess faith, or even to go through the motions of faith. The most intimate relation of all was between his heart and God, and for that relation to grow, Timm constantly strived for purity of heart. Not an easy task when that organ of relation could at times be so slippery and deceitful, lazy and lustful and greedy and vain, often swamped with desire and anger.
If there is a road Timm walked more than any one, it is his constant efforts to marry his heart with God.
In January 2007, Timm helped lead a men's retreat titled "Purely Male" at Trinity Covenant Church in Salem, his own church. In a memo to Pastor Chris Haydon he writes,
... What I understood from you about the event is titled "Purely Male" and that we are focusing on purity issues. The goal is to motivate men to be honest with other men about what's going on in their lives. This may include:The email concludes with this Scripture from Galatians 6:2: "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ."
* Dealing with their addictions by seeking help (for the very broken).
* Developing honest, supportive relationships with other men by utilizing "Trinity Groups" (everybody).
Premise: Our lack of purity, those things that separate us from God ("Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.") is the result of our own brokenness, or more accurately, our attempts to deal with our brokenness.
We are operating from the perspective that we are all broken, wounded followers of Jesus Christ. Our strength and ultimate freedom comes not from hiding this fact, but by being honest about it. In the same way that our greatest strength is also our greatest liability, our brokenness can become our greatest strength.
The question and crux of the weekend is not only why we need to do this but the how in such a way that the guys don't go screaming into the night, vowing never to warm a Trinity pew ever again. The main vehicle we are proposing is using the Trinity Groups to take the first steps of opening with other men about what's going on in their own lives.
It is a matter of building a case for the need to step out of our comfort zones and take the assumed risks in order to gain something we've never really known. Of course what we are presenting is a path that is counterintuitive to everything we've learned about what it means to be a strong, successful male. It's about not doing it alone, asking for help, being accountable, running the risk of being seen by other men as inadequate, often weak and in desperate need for God's grace in every area of our lives.
Once again, the irony of our weakness is our strength; it is what God has always used to lead men (and women) to a place of peace, freedom and joy unlike anything they have ever imagined.
Following are his notes for that presentation, which I have edited somewhat for clarity. In them Timm displays great candor about his own struggles. Clearly he is speaking from the heart of his own experience. Such honesty, as I have learned from my own AA experience, opens a door two ways, for it encourages others to share in similar fashion, as well as making wider the door in Timm's heart to his God.
While I would differ somewhat from Timm in degree, I wholeheartedly agree with Timm's desire to share and connect with his community, offering hope to the suffering that there is healing and grace. Purity of heart I think is the lifelong struggle for us all, to be open and real and vital and clean in our most primary relations.
Perhaps purity sets the bar so high -- perfection in God's eyes - that we faulty mortals will never be able to clear it. But we can see in Timm's life the result of the striving. I see it in all of those healing images of sweet nature. I saw it in the hundreds of faces of those who attended his memorial service on April 21. I read it in his writings, sometimes between the lines of so much suffering and pain laid down there, and other times in writings like this, where out of brokenness we find triumph - not by any wordly measure, but a clarity and purity of heart which could heal another lonely soul.
* * *
The presentation which follows is not something he probably would have shared with his family; his recovery was personal and private -- anonymous except inside the rooms with other anonymous sufferers. With that anonymity, he was free to share deeply things which he would never say to us. Now that he is gone, Timm's history, I believe, has become something closer to us, and in remembering his most heartfelt struggles and gifts we can make a place for him deepest inside of us. Timm has, as they say in the program, gone on to the great Meeting in the Sky; the anonymity which allowed him to be a simple servant of God is no longer required here.
Male and Pure
Timm's presentation
In the story of the sower and the seed, the weeds that grow up are the manifestations of brokenness. Sometimes it is major issues like addictions, divorce, hatred, bitterness, but usually it is the little stuff - resentments.
We are all dealing with something. We have a commonality of experiences. There are some here who have come from a much worse background than myself and a few that have had an easier time than I. It is not either or, but degrees.
How does brokenness manifest itself?
- Anger
- Depression
- Poor self-esteem
- Guilt
- Grief
- Marriage/relationship difficulties
- Work
- Health issues
- Mental health problems
- Alcohol/Drug Abuse
- Affairs
- Sexual Addiction/Behaviors
- Pornography
- Gambling
- Finances
Often times it is about a wound that not addressed properly that becomes infected, creating a whole new set of problems. For the more serious wound, we end up with a gangrene that slowly spreads through our body and will kill our relationships, our walk with God and even kill our bodies, through disease or by our own hand.
Poverty in spirit is the realization of how much we need God. Not just as savior, but in every area of my life. It is getting over the idea that I can on my own. This is not to say that we are not capable of a lot of different things, but realizing that our motives are often warped, however slightly by our sin nature and brokenness.
Poverty is the daily realization that in spite of my capabilities, it will always work out better God's way and that I am not always aware of what that is.
* * *
My journey for dealing with my brokenness began while in college. I had fallen into sin - not sure what that sin was, but I think it was buying a porn magazine or crossing sexual boundaries with a girlfriend.
I was a believer at the time and involved in a campus ministry at my University. I hit my knees and begged God to forgive me yet again. I'll never forget that night because I felt God impress something upon me that I remember today.
It wasn't that I had was forgiven; Jesus had taken care of that on Calvary and was standing there before the throne with nail scars as my mediator. Repentance, on the other hand, was something else. It wasn't about just vowing to not due it again, but to find out why I kept falling like this.
This was not so much about remaining useful to God, it was about a God who loved me more passionately than I could ever imagine and He, like any lover, hated any kind of distance from Himself. Each time I sinned again, days would go by until I felt reconnected with God.
I'd like to say that the heavens opened, the clouds parted and a beam of light touched my brow, setting me free to follow the path that was now before me. But I had more to learn, to experience.
It was a couple years later when my life seemed to fall apart again and yes, there was a woman involved. I had a friend at the time who had listened to my snivelling suggested taking some time to listen to God about what he was trying to tell me.
After hitting my knees it felt like God was impressing on me that he was trying to heal some of the brokenness in my own life by letting me deal with the consequences of my decisions made in my attempts to deal with this.
I prayed at that moment one of those prayers that proved I was not one of the brightest light in the harbors. You know that there are certain prayers that we need to be careful about praying. We all know the type, like asking for patience, what happens? It's like all of a sudden we are a magnet for every difficult person within a 50 mile radius. Or humility -- we end up falling on our faces.
I remember one such prayer from when I was 18. I was living in Wyoming and it was October. I just finished working the summer season in the Grande Teton National Park and moved into a local ski village for the winter. After the move I had the overpowering sense that I wasn't where God wanted me to be. Couldn't tell you exactly why where I was a problem. But I knew.
For three days I told God - "Hey, if you want me to move, your going to have to do something drastic, because I ain't moving on my own free will!"
On the third night I hitched a ride with some friends to a nearby town and were in a terrible car wreck. When I got out of the hospital that I had been air lifted to I had to move since I couldn't take care of myself.
You think I would have learned, but no, I told God "God, you do whatever you have to do to heal me."
That began a path that got worse before it got better. Much of what I had to deal with was probably not much different than anybody else here except for a couple of things.
I ended up in Oregon a couple years later when I finally began to deal with my alcoholism.
If you try to use something like alcohol, drugs, money, work, sports, sex - whatever - to deal with pain, it will create its own problems.
The key thing for me was going to AA. One of the most important things I had to do there was to get a sponsor, somebody I had to stay accountable to and develop a relationship with.
I think I'm like most guys. Getting into a close relationship with another guy is not something I'm comfortable with.
Alexander the Great became the Great because he had developed a military strategy called "Macedonian Phalanx" that was little more that a military formation with a straightforward mandate - you never go into battle without the man beside you.
In ancient warfare when a soldier held his shield in his left an thrust with his sword, his right side was exposed. The formation placed a trusted soldier at their side to help protect them.
Dealing with things is one thing, walking them out is another. I need other men in my life who know me. It's not only about avoid terrible sins, but God often communicates to me through those I'm close to.
Sharing and connecting helped me with dealing with kids and a wife, with my alcoholism, my career.
Though I know I needed a sponsor, I was afraid to ask someone. It's like the time I was fly-fishing on the Snake River and had a face-off with a moose - I'd have rather faced off with that moose than take the risk of asking someone to be my sponsor.
I'm still that way developing new relationships with men. I'm good at working a room - that's one of the reasons I've gravitated toward PR and politics in my life. I can usually do small talk. But going deeper is hard!
Can you think of one or two men that you would consider developing a deeper relationship with? Don't ask anybody tonight and don't make a commitment tonight. Just consider who.
What must I share to stay accountable with my fellow? Here are some of things on my list:
- Sexual issues - thoughts, fantasies and porn.
- Career . I have a million ideas, and this always gets me in trouble.
- Revenge/resentment fantasies - thinking how I get back.
- Overextending myself.
- Business issues of management
- Alcoholism
- Control of people places and things - am I letting go of the results?
- Moving and going - always ready to go.
- Am I taking care of myself?
- I am spending too much money?
- How's the weight?
- Obsessing.
Our God is the most passionate lover the universe has ever known. We - collectively and individually - are the object of his affection. He is forever courting us, not only into that initial relationship, but into continually deeper relationship with Himself. He not only can but wants to meet our every need, knowing that we work best when we allow Him to do just that. We on the other hand are forever trying to do it on our own, setting up the great deception of mankind - self-reliance. We may think we can and it will appear that we can, but by doing so we limit what God can do by separating ourselves from him.
Men have a hard time accepting the fact that they need the fellowship of another men. If they get together with another guy it seems they need to have to have an excuse to meet Women on the other had don't. Ever listen to your wife or girlfriend when one of their female friends makes the suggestion of getting together for lunch. What's their response? "Which day works, where would you like to meet?" When one guy asks another to have lunch, what do they say? "Sure, what's up?" It's almost like we have to have an excuse or reason to meet. Just getting together for the sake of catching up or just spending time together is not something we would think of.
Guys in would come as far as Gold Beach on a weekly basis ((to the Overcomers meeting Timm chaired?)), in my opinion not because I had anything worth hearing, but it was a safe place where guys got honest. I can't tell you the number of times that I would hear the guys remark that they had never shared like that before. And yes, they'd show up again the next week.
In The Velveteen Rabbit, the children's story in which a nursery room stuffed rabbit wants more than anything to become real, a profound exchange takes place between the Rabbit and the wise old Skin Horse. The Rabbit wants to know exactly how one becomes real, and whether it happens "all at once."_"It doesn't happen all at once," the Skin Horse tells the Rabbit. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or who have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby.__"But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
Reference Scriptures:
Proverbs 27:6 Faithful are the words of a friend.
Proverbs 27: 17 Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.
Ecclesiastes 4:9 -10 Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another a lift him up.
John 13: 34; Galatians 6:1, 2; James 5:16a.
2 Sam. 1:26 Your love to me was more wonderful Than the love of a woman.
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